Winding down with The Cooler

I anticlimaxed my way out of the holidays last night laying in bed watching The Cooler. An interesting little flick with William H. Macy, whom I like a lot, and Maria Bella, whom I like even more because she is much better looking naked than old William H. I spent the entire day alone yesterday, first time in about two weeks that happened, and I wallowed in it. The weight of all that I have to do to both houses in the near future is on my shoulders but I'm not allowing it to be oppressive. It'll get done. But I digress, so back to William H. and Maria, the unlikely couple . I first saw Macy in Fargo when he was the nervous little car dealer trying to keep two sets of books and have his wife killed and I've liked his work ever since. I'm not familiar with Maria Bella but she has a Sharon Stone like quality which works fine for me. Anyway, they become lovers by an unlikely route but lovers nonetheless. True lovers which is the best kind by far. I recommend the flick ; it's not a candidate for an Oscar but it is well done and entertaining plus you get to see Maria naked a few times. You have to endure William H's bare ass but hey, nothing comes easy.

My point being, this movie brought to the surface thoughts I already had about being alone. In 2004, 2003 too, I had brushes with coupledom even considering a time or two taking a leap toward committment. I said considered. I didn't. And I've decided that I'm happy with my decisions. I do well alone. But I love to love, and of course dote on any attention that comes my way. I'm resigned to my aloneness for now. It's fine. I'm very happy making my own decisions. I did this whole move thing on my own. Made all the choices, mine, what I want. Selfish I know but I can live with my decisions. I've had some negative comments about changing things that someone thought were just fine as they were. Tear that stuff out and put something new in? Why? Cause I want to, that's why. And I can, so I did.

Maybe that's why this medium is so important to me. It fills a void. I like contact, companionship, love, sex, desire, as much as the next person. But for the most part, other than my kids who fill a lot of empty space in my life, I live without a great deal of it. The times I have been married, which has been a significant portion of my adult life, I sought out and loved time alone, craved it even. Hated when I didn't have it. I'm selfish with very little in my life. I'm not a greedy person, I am material about things that I covet and love but not just for the sake of acquisition. But I am selfish with my time and how I choose to spend it. And I've become very accustomed to solely deciding how to spend it. And I'm accepting that that is who I am, now, here, at this point in my life. Some would scoff at my putting so many emotional eggs in this bloggerbasket. Scoff away. It's not like you people are figments of my imagination. I can do balance, maintain equilibrium, keep a firm grasp. I know I can. And I can also follow my whims to wherever I choose. I can drift away and free fall and do something that makes no sense whatsover and I can embrace the unlikely, hold onto what others may find absurd, and choose who gets inside my life. So there, it's decided. This is how it's going to be for now. Those of you on the inside are going to stay there. There may be room for others but I'm very loyal so no one gets cast aside or even passed over. Let's be unlikely.