When you're down and confused

Love the one you're with?

I'm perplexed.

I've met many who are somewhat unhappy with their current relationship since I've started blogging...probably because I'm one of them.

Of those people, I think almost all are unhappy with their sex life.

I just can't stop asking why.

C's post of a couple of days ago and my comment was this is THE question isn't it? The BIG ONE. And I commented that it was so big that it needed attention people, attention, greater than comments as great and meaningful as they may be. And the more I think about it, which I have been, alot, the more I think I am reminded of and dammit keep seeing the byproduct of that shit up there , the relationship unhappiness, the byproduct, which is stone cold depression, sadness. I'm not going to name you cause you and I know who you are but so many, way too many, of you are sad dammit and worse, depressed. I don't mean a little down, I mean I'm having trouble going forward handling the every day, day after day trials over and over and I want to stay in bed depressed . Sad, really sad. Oh, it must be the weak of heart, those struggling to get by due to some lack of something, some inner grit or depth of character, drive, will, the good stuff that frees our souls....must be a lack of that stuff. Nuh uh. I have once before referred to the best of the best. Tis them, you, it is goddammit, look, it's the best of you. One, two, three, four, five, more, everywhere you look and I know this is the place for it to show, here, it can come out here and I doubt it comes out many other places but here, but look at it, you are aren't you? Seeing it. If your eyes are open you are seeing it by god. We gonna ask why? Yep, I am, gonna try, cause I have thoughts on stuff ya know, valid or not, I have em. Whitey stepped up to the plate, read it, it's excellent, but don't tell him I said so, fuck he's stoked enough already, our secret, K?

My initial comments to the above, so aptly put to paper by the astute, sexy and long legged C who hasn't minced a word since the Clinton administration would be to first categorize and then attempt to get to the whys of it all. I may not be as astute but I have to begin somewhere so I'll start right here and come back for more later. Let's first outline and attempt to summarize those categories shall we?

• Parental relationships. The initial relationships for us, good, bad or absent. We have all of the above here, good, bad, ugly, disappearing. Lots of not so good. Go read. Lots of a long, long way from good. What else do we see? That you don't have to be gone to be absent. Absence in place is in many ways worse than just plain gone. Takes away the fantasy. Love, acceptance, pride, confidence, support......missing, a lot. Not always, but alot. The loved ones all cool now though right, the ones that had it good, the way it was supposed to be? Not so fast. Nope, not all of them. Go read. But there is enough here to trend. It scars, deeply, still, even now, years later, more so now maybe. It does doesn't it?
  

• The bad one in the past. First attempt, for life, nope, it got broke, maybe was broke from the start, bet it was, never was whole. First committed love, nice day for a white wedding committed love, happy, happy, we gonna last forever into the sunset, yep....right. It didn't. Some are still in this one. Editorial comment here.........get out. More scars, it hurts to fail, kicks my already low self esteem in the ass and skins my knees something terrible, can't see the blood but it's there. The bad one. Remembering.....failed. Crash now what am I going to do pick up the American dream and dust it off, shine it up? Like to but the kids are hungry and I have to go to work and the car needs some work and this job just isn't what I hoped it would be.
  

• The bad one in the present. Really bad? Sometimes. But more often than not, just not good. Or even more often, just not good enough. Cause I have this dream about what is good enough, what I want and it really isn't that much, it isn't, fuck, sometimes it's just more of what we had in the beginning, where did it go? Must be your fault cause I still want it. I'm going to resent you because you aren't delivering sitting there on your ass not giving me what I want. It's out there, I know it is, and I'm gonna find it. Soon as I find someone to watch the kids or as soon as I get a raise. Soon as I get over this depression. Sometimes it still happens why can't it all the time. Happiness is a ledge up there and I want to crawl up there and sing and swing my legs and look down at everyone who doesn't have it. Poor fucks, sure are lots of em.

• Looking. Looking. I think I found the right one. Whee......yep, think this is the one, was last night, can't wait til tomorrow. Fuck. The jerk. Fooled again. Was not quite what I thought it was going to be......such promise too, last night, remember I wrote about it? Was hot, wonderful. Jerk. You cheered me on, you were happy for me and thanks for commiserating with me and dusting me off and putting me back out here to try again. Wasn't me, fucker was a jerk, bitch, asshole, no, not that maybe, just not what........I want........so badly.

• No one. There is no one. And it's the worst of all if it makes you sad not to have someone. Sometimes I even want one that isn't all that great, I can still rave when it's ok and bitch when it isn't but having no one is the worst, when you want someone. Everyone else has someone and I even envy those who have a bad one cause that is far better than this horrible alone. No one knows what alone is like if they aren't. You just don't fucking get it and don't tell me you do you happy fuck.
  

• Alone and OK and not looking but my eyes are always open. I'm fine, really, I am, I even prefer being alone, maybe I was meant to be. But I'll try occasionally, maybe this is it, oops, not quite. Oh wait, not near. I don't need to try.... I can go the longest time without trying, shit, look at all the unhappy folks up there. Not me. I am so well adjusted, just look at me. I will not settle, nope, not me, don't need it.......much. Poor chumps, I'm cool, eh?

• Got it! Some do, look. Lucky fuckers, they have it. Read it, you can smell it on them, they shine, I'm so happy for the bastards, really, I am. Bet it doesn't last.
  

• Got it. It's gonna last, it does, it really does. One two three, that's about it, but it does. We could all meet there when we get it. Wallow in it. I'll buy.
  

My take. Just sayin'. Find yourself?