yeah, ummmm....

so, i sure seem to get blamed for a lot of great stuff around here...
:)

i told him i might not do this. i have to say i didn't think i would.
it was wonderful to be thought of. and...let me say publicly...thank you.
hhmmm....that public thing
yeah - it's the reason i didn't think i'd really so this. let's say - i can be a bit shy? about stuff. weird and timid are probably better words, though.
a few of you know me. though i am guessing most of you don't. i kinda stand in the background - over in the corner...when i am out in public. not always - but often.
don't mistake it for anything - i just....have trouble with security, is all.
ok - now what was the homework? how/why did i start blogging? and how did i find edge?
well....easy one first.

he found me
he commented...and i followed the link
and so it began
simple as that

blogging...
around jan of 2004 i stumbled onto blogs. i am a reader...i read everything. i was not happy - let's just say that - and i was searching for some answers about my needs sexually.
i found sarah and from there i found others...and so on...as it goes. i didn't comment for months...and then i did so in a playful way one day in the end of may. the next thing i knew - i had a blog.
i knew i needed a place to release and to figure things out. that is what i did. that is what i do. i have never ben a writer.i don't do spell check - or capitals...and punctuation - is anything goes. to this day i maintain..i don't write. i type, if i think about what i type - it is usually terrible - kinda like now.
uggg.
stop thinking.............................................
i was one of those people that didn't understand 'online'
i say was....because now - i know it has helped me in more ways than i could ever have imagined. it brought me back to myself. something that needed doing. the blog i started is gone...well...it's not out there anymore. i had to move - like i said, security - then...i had to hide.
i remember the day - oct 30th - i had to make the decision
i sat in my chair with my finger on the button to delete
i felt like i was about to delete myself
i was shocked at the emotions coursing through me
i was devastated
some one reached out to me - and gave me options i didn't ever know i had
i am forever grateful for that
now...i blog differently
gone are the waaaaaaay too many daily readers...gone is the anonymity of no posted email...gone is the naive feeling of safety in expressing myself in this medium

i still stand naked
always will
don't know another way to be
i just don't flaunt it as publicly
you have to look for me
you have to want to see

he said it best (of course...)

she understands that happiness, contentment, satisfaction, success, all the platitudes........aren't places you get to live, they're fleeting, they come and go, they aren't places you get to sit and look out at the world and smugly say I got here I'm gonna stay here. You only get to visit.

i blog my never ending journey up to...my visits in...and falls from....all those places.

people like edge - keep me honest. keep me brave. keep me......me.
and i can't ever thank you all enough.

that answers the questions, right?
i can never say anything in less than 54 billion words.
sigh.