Everytime you go away.........

I suppose I'm to blame but if she hadn't been the way she was I wouldn't have done what I did. A couple of months ago, the failure of my last close encounter, but don't all relationships of a past nature indicate a demise of sorts given that they are no longer active? I suppose death defies that presumption but it still represents a failure as in I wasn't responsive to your needs yesterday being dead and all. The ultimate betrayal.

So this last one was very quickly a close encounter of an unsuccessful kind but then everything about it was quick, the connection of sorts, did I ever feel it was something that would be lasting? No. I didn't hold back enough then, since I knew, that plus the more I experienced her the more she reminded me of ex number two. I'm not one who is intimidated by successful women, prefer them actually, and with that success comes some aggressive behaviour certainly part of the territory that prompts those accomplishments in the first place. Drive and persistence, action, a sense of follow through, responsibility. Attractive traits all. With reference to my previous post regarding what makes relationships fail and what is responsible for a diminished sexual yearning toward a loved one I know for a fact that the way my ex would talk on her cell phone loud enough for everyone within a fifty foot radius to hear every word she said did not make me think about how much I wanted her, quite the contrary, it became a pet peeve that reduced my desire. I think those peevish behaviours become nearly as detrimental to desiring someone as errors of commission and omission and downright boorish behaviour. They are exponential too, they grate, grow.......the way he brushes his teeth, that he doesn't brush his teeth, that clucking sound she makes when she eats fish, the way his tone changes when he talks to his mother, that she has to tell her mother every damn thing and she is always, always late and what was once endearing, it was all endearing in the beginning wasn't it, what was once endearing now makes me not want to fuck you. So there. Maybe if you'd tone it down on the phone a little bit I'd slip my hand in your jeans.

I got off track there but there is a point, really, there is, especially since I was so wrongly accused of not addressing the unsatisfied sex part of our last discussion group . So the one to whom I was referring, the quick failure, despite there being in all likelihood other inhibitors to the potential of us having a happy life together, the flare that warned me of trouble ahead, the one that shone brightly in the night sky saying ...nooooo, it's a peeve that's gonna grow like pancreatic cancer and you won't want to fuck her anymore, the one that got to me so quickly was the forced, rehearsed, unneccessary, damn so unnecessary, laugh, no wait, a guffaw, it was a guffaw, at the beginning of her message on her voicemail. I heard it three times and each time it made me want her less and so finally I exited without telling her it's that damn laugh, like Poe's telltale heart, guffawing, guffawing, over and over in my mind. Who would sit there by themselves and force a loud chuckling prior to recording their voice message?

I know how pc it is to call for total honesty in a relationship and use terms like foundation, and there must be total honesty for gods sake, imperative, yeah right bullshit. Who does that? You use TOTAL honesty in a relationship the other person would be looking around for the nearest thing to bludgeon you with. Honesty, sure, I'll buy that, important stuff. Total honesty. Shut up, you just picked that up from some self help he just doesn't care enough I'm ok you're fucked up book or the dr phil does opra show. I hate that fucking mole on your chin and I used to overlook it but now it makes me not want to buy you lingerie like I once did and look how not hard my cock is from staring at it. I'm gonna go drink beer, belch and watch every sporting even known to man before I drive you nuts with how I mow the lawn, or don't mow it and you notice I chew with my mouth open and throw my socks on the floor in the same place every stinking night. Honest like that?

Again though, another digression, sorry.

Does anything force more pawing, groping, and thrusts that shouldn't be thrusted than alcohol? I think not. So of course that first date was too quickly familiar, cocktails as catalyst and I might not have brought my A game but I gave it better than my C when I shouldn't have at that hi how are ya juncture and the talk and the leaning in and loose lips locked sinking ships and it gets easy to plan the next time, might as well be tomorrow night even though I knew better and she talked loud like my ex except without the phone, not good, but she fell into my attractivess band of acceptability and apparently I hers and the restraint wasn't what it should have been but the martinis were so I promised her we wouldn't end up in bed the next night all but assuring that we would and it did result in a somewhat savage intensity. The day after date two I heard the guffaw twice. See, I did call. The day after. But I never saw her again which reminded me of what an asshole I can be but, hey, she took her own clothes off, I could really have kept my promise , but still an asshole all the same.......... I do wonder what my guffaw was for her, surely there was one. I don't mean to imply that only I get to pick peeves or that I by some idiosyncratic quirk wouldn't drive someone to not want my soft lips clamped on their thighs.

Maybe I should call and ask her..........but if she isn't home .............

I've since wallowed in my aloneness, except for you of course, except for you, and it's not that I don't grin a lot or anything like that so no need for any sympathy this direction, no need for any at all.

I am for lack of a better term, a touch scattered and all over the map though aren't I?

Beats defensive.