Today's weather

Doesn't seem like that long ago I was wishing February away to get to March does it? And now May looms on the horizon. It's been a beautiful April here in the heartland but you never know about May around these parts. I've been at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in May and froze my ass off, have even seen snow swirl while race cars circled the track.

But I'm not here to talk about the weather, as a matter of fact I don't understand people who focus on the weather every day and hang on the forecast like it matters. It's gonna be what it's gonna be is how I look at it and unless you need to know how to dress the kiddies or if it's going to rain on your parade or some dark force of nature is heading your way, who cares. It's raining you come inside, sun shines you're glad, it's cold you shiver, hot you sweat. I did talk about the weather afterall didn't I?

But back to this tempus fugits thing. I wonder if the racing of time, how fast it rips by, how easy it is to lose track of, I wonder if that contributes to the collective funk of late. As in, damn, it's almost May and I haven't cleaned the garage, left my husband, left town, had sex, stopped having sex, gotten that colonoscopy, found love. Exasperation, best laid plans, not enough time in the day. How'd I get in this mess, why am I in this job, how come I'm never satisfied, I love this person, I do, I do, I think. Wonder if I would love that one more? What I really wonder is would they love me more. I don't do something about this it'll soon be Thanksgiving and nothing will have changed, fuck it's almost Christmas again. Wonder what the weather is gonna be?

I'm at the point in my life where I realize I won't get to all the things I've been saying for years that I'm going to do, going to take care of, want to do. There isn't enough time. It wasn't that long ago it seemed there would be, that I'd have the time to organize 30 years of photographs, hike the Appalachian Trail, have another threesome, celebrate a 25th wedding anniversary. It all just aint gonna happen. I have to prioritize, and I do. I think that's why I don't sweat the small stuff much anymore. I do my best to cast the inane aside, ignore what isn't important to me, just pass on what isn't worthy of my time. Check that, it really doesn't have to be worthy, just something I want to do or experience. I get to make the call, it's my time.

I have this thing where I want to make things better, fix things for you, make you happy. I'm not a fan of self help books or programs or books that have to use the word inspirational on the back cover to let you know they're going to inspire you. I'll decide what's inspirational but thanks for trying to help and pocketing a few bucks in the process.

It would be shallow for me to say keep your chin up it's all going to be alright, hey be thankful for what you have, count your blessings, put on a happy face and any of the other platitudes that would make you just want to slap me because the kids are screaming and or sick and your spouse is being a jerk or worse and no one understands that you have to do it all with little or no help and you have a pimple on your ass or illness in your family and no money or at least not enough and only a fraction of the love, sex, affection, understanding, you want and need. I wouldn't listen to me either, I often don't.

I've lost some of those closest to me through illness terminal in nature. Just about everyone has. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. Remember how it felt when you learned someone close to you was going to die? How everything else became instantly trivial and unimportant?

I do this thing where I imagine I've just been told I'm sick and have only a short time to live, how it would feel to walk out to my car after being told something like that. How I would give anything, literally anything and everything, to erase that conversation, to go back to where things were before getting such devastating news. How elated I would feel if it all were a mistake. How good my life would look to me, how sweet it would feel.

Think you'd care if it was going to rain for a couple of days?

I say, pick your spots and act, I know, easy to say, but, but I can't because, I would if, if only....

I know, I don't understand do I?

But don't say I didn't warn ya it's almost May.