Spreading me around

When I got sick it forced me to look at some things I hadn't previously considered. Being single makes decisions not so cut and dried as to what happens should I sleep the big sleep. I decided a long time ago that there will be no six feet under stuff for me. I'm far too claustrophobic for that. Plus it takes up valuable space, you can't see anything, and I'm afraid someone will put those plastic flowers that fade in the sun on my grave. So no, aint gonna happen. Another thing is, I don't want anyone to watch me sleep, let alone see me dead. What if they forget to wash my hair or they don't take the 11 seconds it takes to blow it dry? And who wants to waste a good suit? Plus, I don't have six close friends to be pall bearers and it would embarrass the girls to have to put an add in the paper.

What does the pic have to do with all this you say? Well, I'm getting to that. In lieu of interrment I have specified the places I want to be scattered. Not like an arm here and a leg there and a testicle in Nebraska, no, not scattered like that. I think you understand without me becoming too clinical and describing the urn. Actually I want to be in some piece of ancient Anasazzi pottery, some thousand year old artifact, but then there would have to be some kind of stopper or saran wrap rubber banded around the top so I didn't spill somewhere where I don't want to be scattered like out the window of a rental car just north of Las Vegas or somewhere like that. Or in a Wendy's drive thru, what a freakin' place to spend eternity that would be with biggie fry containers all around and empty frosty cups sticking to you.

So anyway, I have this letter of instructions left to the kids and of course I have to leave them money to carry out my wishes so they can get to these locales I want to be my final resting places. I don't want my urn checked as baggage either, I've seen how that can go and I don't want to be circling carousel 3 with people checking the tag to make sure it isn't their uncle or aunt or pet, no, I want to be a carry on, put under the seat in front of someone, not in the overhead compartment either cause that stuff shifts in flight and can you imagine me flying out somewhere over Colorado and being vacuumed up like common debris? I hardly think so.

So now the problem statement. I've seen so many beautiful places the past few years that I keep adding to the list which adds to the expense and the time my kids need to take off work to get me appropriately placed all over the western landscape. And now that I've met you all I may even want to hang in some of your back yards where I can keep an eye on you, maybe help out in the garden or something.

And after returning from the Kanarra Creek hike I now have to add another place and given that it's difficult to find I have to create a detailed map or maybe just have the kids drop some of me off at Neena's and she could sprinkle me around the next time she and Don are in the canyon. Course, that adds another container which maybe isn't such a bad idea, splitting me up and having them head in different directions. It really doesn't have to be done in a timely manner, not like I'll be in a hurry or anything but then you have storage to contend with if you draw it out. I don't want to be on the mantel or anything like in Meet the Parents, maybe up on my top closet shelf where I keep my porn and my divorce decrees, porn on top.

See, I have reason to live, not just for you all, but dying has become so complicated.