"Doin it Right"

Dear friend Jen, in a comment to my last post, begs the question..........."what is doing it right?" Jen has embarked on a journey of both self discovery and relationship analysis the past year and her readers have benefited from her most insightful and introspective observations and the beautiful way she presents them in written form. The fruits of her mental and emotional labors have been positive and it would seem she is in a better more centered place now than she was a year ago. I think she is and I believe she and those close to her would agree. It's been a pleasure to witness her evolution.

"Doing it right". Yeah, that's about as ambiguous and indefinable as you can get, and sure to inspire and spark, the debate, the controversy for which this site has become infamous among its tens of readers.

There are no doubt those who would suggest that I post about "Doing it wrong" as I am far better versed and experienced in how not to do it than I am qualified to attempt to describe what is right. To those I will say I'm relying on and pleading to the tenet of learning from my mistakes and acknowledging the hypocrisy of me being one to impart relationship advice. The opinions of the management of this site are in no way intended as guidelines or a map for success in your relationships. Like my children say "Right Dad, you're gonna advise us on love?"

And I don't. I simply tell them to find it, that they will know it when they see it, and to do their best to keep it when found.

Enough for an introduction. Let's give it a shot.

For me, me see? My opinion only, just me with no offense intended for those involved in or considering any kind of open, polygamous, or plural approach to love and sex, this is just me kids, different strokes and all that, read your labels and ingredients carefully, this is one man, one desire, not intended to be marketed or sold in stores. Just me. Got it? I would no more tell you how to conduct your love life than I would tell you what to have for breakfast.

Let me further expound that I strongly believe that what I desire in a relationship is most assuredly a result of both the positive and negative experiences I've had in previous relationships. Well duh, Edge. No, but seriously, I think I am well aware of previous flaws, mistakes, bumblings and gaffes and said fuckups play a huge role in my definition of "doing it right".

I want to experience and maintain, key word here, you might want to get your colored highlighter, go ahead, I'll wait........maintain, yeah........the feeling of being in love, not just being in love, but the feeling of being in love. You know the one, the giddy goofy fuck I love this person and I'm having trouble sleeping and can't seem to get enough of them feeling. The shout it from the rooftop feeling. That one. But that feeling doesn't last Edge, love evolves into something much calmer and much more stoic. Fuck calm and stoic, I want to keep that feeling and it's my relationship so I can if I want to. Who says it has to stop? It stops because the relationship deteriorates damnit. Of course it changes but don't tell me it can't be maintained because I know better. It can, it does for some, and I fucking want it, OK? It's the feeling that keeps you out of trouble, that makes you not want anyone else, it provides focus, an intent, no doubt......it's this person for me, period, end of story.

Next, following right along, I want monogamy. Yes you heard me correctly. This is the one I have fucked up in the past. I was faithful in my last long term relationship, I can do it. My track record prior to that was spotty at best admittedly but that was then, this is now. I want a worry free relationship. No doubt, I aint gonna, you aint gonna, period, aint gonna happen. Oh come on Edge, be realistic, everyone is vulnerable. Not if they're in fucking love I tell ya...not if it's being maintained, if it's strong and satisfying and respectful and caring. There is a point in every indiscretion, every one, where either party can say no, it can be no thanks, fuck no, no. Here we go. I would go out on a limb and say, that unless there is some prior agreement regarding the acceptability of an open sexual environment (and I personally know of only one instance where this has been done successfully and trust me, I've seen it in practice more than once), unless there is a clear understanding that such behavior is acceptable, I would say with near certainty and very little hesitation that such liaisons and indiscretions are the result of a crack, flaw, or a downright crumbling of the existing relationship. If it aint broke you can't get in is what I'm sayin'.

But Edge, one person can't fulfill all my needs, I love the love swing and he gets dizzy so I have to look elsewhere. Fuck that, it's broke. You accepted a relationship that doesn't meet your requirements. Nothing wrong with that, it happens quite frequently, but you knew he'd fall out of the fucking swing going in. Don't cry about it now. You knew. If you didn't, you should have checked.

Which brings us to the foundation. He's a Muslim fundamentalist, you've recently left the convent and years of service to the Lord....it probably isn't going to work out for you. You won't wear fur out of respect for PETA and he hunts everything on four legs? Might be a problem down the road. Common beliefs, a common understanding. Pretty simple, right? Yes, it is, but a lot of people underestimate the chinks this kind of stuff will put in their relationship armor. Just what is a chink? I know it isn't good so watch out for them. I almost broke into an ethnic joke there, but I'm more mature and restrained now so I didn't.

And hey, it only stands to reason that I want the attraction, yeah, the attraction, I want to want her and I want her to want me and I want that sexual magic and I want similar enough sexual and physical desires to meld and fuck and love, kiss, and lick and explore together. It doesn't matter how many times a week, the number isn't important, unless it's important to one of you and not the other. It's mutual, maintained, there is that word again, desire and want and need for each other. I want that. And all the stuff above. I want that too. And of course intellectual and emotional compatibility, you have to watch out for those too. And do we want the same kind of things, you want ducks and cows and early american furniture, we're gonna have a problem here. You want more kids, oops, sorry. You want ten, I want one, gonna be a problem here. You want to save every penny, er....dunno here, could be a problem. I don't want to minimize all those things that can usurp even the best of relationships. I used usurp in a sentence didn't I?

So....there you have it. My, key word again, where is the highlighter, my version of "Doing it right".

That's so idealistic Edge, get real. Fuck yes it is. I want the Cubs to win the World Series too, how's that for idealism. You lose your ideals, you lose your dreams, you lose your dreams you become bitter. You become bitter, nofuckingbody wants you. I know, I've been bitter. But I'm not bitter now and I will live this life, count on it. And I'll still be here with you all because she'll know that going in. I may have to go through some behavior modification, but I'll be here and I'll tell you all about it, all about her.

One last thing. I believe that I am a far different man than I was at 40, than I was at 30, and fuck, I don't even want to talk about 20. There is a trend here I think. Many of the qualities I want in a relationship are far more in line with what I think many women want. You think I wanted that at 20? At 30? And do you think maybe as a woman matures she might acquire a better understanding of the male of the species and maybe even begin maculating her outlook as mine has become to some extent feminized? A coming together of sorts from experience and understanding? And maybe this kind of understanding and a learning from prior mistakes are factors in a greater chance of survival for relationships entered into later in life? Dunno, what do you think? I may be out of control here. Plus I talked about myself being feminized. I'm gonna go shoot something, while you chew on that one.

Just sayin'.